


Genuflectio

by Lutrosis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A Knight kneels for his Queen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, It's canon until the end of The Last Jedi and then diverges from it, Kneeling, Kylo Ren again and again falls to his knees when Rey is around, Marriage Proposal, POV Ben Solo, POV Kylo Ren, Pining, Redeemed Ben Solo, This story ignores The Rise Of Skywalker, and about two times where it happened after the end of The Last Jedi, that movie never happened, this fic is basically about all the times Kylo/Ben fell to his knees whenever Rey was around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutrosis/pseuds/Lutrosis
Summary: Genuflectio is the Latin word for 'going down on one's knees'/'kneeling'/'rapidly falling to one's knees'. It's generally a sign of respect, devotion, or submission.In The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, almost every time Rey and Kylo/Ben are in the same place, he is falling to his knees (except for Takodana and three of the four force bond connections). This story tells what goes on in his head and during all these times and adds two additional ones after the end of The Last Jedi and thereby fixing the mess, that was The Rise of Skywalker by simply ignoring it and building its own canon.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Genuflectio

**Author's Note:**

> I saw The Last Jedi again and really love the last scene of Kylo Ren/Ben Solo, where he kneels in the old Rebel Base on Crait while holding the golden dices in his hand and looking up to Rey when the force connects him and I simply wanted to write a story about every time, where Ben/Kylo falls to his knees or somehow else lowers himself in front of her. I am a sucker for the image of a knight kneeling in front of his queen (and I am procrastinating from writing my other WIPs - most importantly the one I am currently posting on here).

The first time Kylo Ren lowered himself in front of the scavenger was in the interrogation room on Starkiller Base, after he had pursued her through the woods on Takodana and had captured her there. The girl impressed him. She had managed to escape from Jakku with the droid he had searched. He only had caught up with her, when some of his spies noticed her in Maz’s Cantina – he had gotten lucky, otherwise, this hunt would have taken much more time.

She intrigued him. Something was different with her. There was something in her, between them. Something he couldn’t grasp. Somehow, she had inserted herself in the midst of the center of a galactic conflict. Coming from nowhere, being no one, she suddenly was known by everyone. He wouldn’t let anyone else touch her or carry her.

After he had strapped her into the interrogation chair on Starkiller Base, he sat in front of her and waited. Even though he was taller than here, he had to look up to her face from his position. He studied her: Her long, lean body, marked by the sun of Jakku, showing signs, that she had done hard work. He noticed the beige clothes she wore, her long arm wraps hiding much of her skin. He couldn’t look away from her and Kylo’s eyes wandered over her body, over her neck up to her face.

He noted all the little details. Her small nose and ears, so different from his. The way her cheekbones framed her face. Her closed eyes, that had been so expressive, when they had met in the woods. Her hair, that matched her perfectly. He had never seen such a hairstyle, he deemed it more beautiful, than the many others he had seen in his life. A strand of hair sat at each side of her head in front of her ears as if they were waiting to be tucked behind them and Kylo shortly had to fight the urge to do just that. He took a fortifying breath and concentrated back on the girl in front of him.

Finally, she jolted awake. Her eyes quickly wandered around and she noticed her constraints and that she couldn’t break out of them, then her gaze settled on him. Ben looked up to her, directly into her eyes – which he knew she didn’t know because his mask prevented it.

“Where am I,” she asked him. It took all of Kylo’s strength and focus to not visibly react to her voice. It was unlike any he had heard before. He had heard many important voices in his life. His mother and father’s, which he had almost forgotten and were only a distant memory, distorted by Snoke’s old, snakey and all-permeating voice overlaying itself on them. His uncle’s voices had been distinctly different – Chewie’s Shriiywook, Lando’s playful and teasing tone, Luke’s seriousness. Hux’s voice only evoked disgust in Ben. But the girl’s voice burned itself in his mind. Her tone, her accent, the way she spoke. Ben would never forget it.

She showed strength. She tried to preserve her confidence, to not show her fear – even if he could see some of it. “You’re my guest,” he decided to answer her. He didn’t know what the best way would be to get the information he needed. The girl was different from anyone else who had sat in that chair.

“Where are the others?” she asked him next. She was probably talking about the people, he had fought on Takodana, the people, she had helped escape from Jakku, maybe even the two people, who had flown a Correllian YT freighter, when Kylo had still been a child.

“You mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends?” he asked back. The girl only blinked at him. “You’ll be relieved to hear that I have no idea.” Ben had decided to abandon Takodana after he had carried her onto his ship and cautiously laid her down. They did not need to fight that battle, it would be unnecessary to lose any more troops and ships, only because they had started the fight. He found, what he had searched and so there was no need to remain there.

A moment of silence stretched between them. Kylo used the force to explore the feelings and intentions surrounding the girl, that still looked down at him. He titled his head to the side. “You still want to kill me,” Kylo stated.

“That happens, when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.” The girl practically spat the words at him. Letting the words settle, Kylo reached to the release-mechanism of the mask and activated it. With a hiss, it opened, and he pulled it off his head, while he stood up. It had been a long time since he had allowed anyone to see his face, but it felt appropriate right now. Kylo wanted to show the girl his face. He wanted to rattle her, to get control over this conversation, to get the information he needed.

The scavenger gasped and frowned at his sight. Clearly, she hadn’t expected what she was seeing, but Kylo didn’t know what was at the center of her surprise. Did she think he was hideous? Had she expected something completely different? As he silently stood in front of her, her eyes wandered over his body, took everything in. Kylo felt as if she was measuring him, memorizing his features, trying to find his weaknesses and strengths. It was as if she could see through the layer of clothes that he carried like armor on his body. She still couldn’t see inside him, but he felt strangely naked. He put the mask aside and stepped right next to her.

Her eyes shot to his face and then settled back onto the wall behind him. Because of their height difference, her line of sight traversed right next to his shoulders. Kylo couldn’t take his eyes off her, of her defiant expression, her struggle to remain confident and show strength, besides the situation she was in. “Tell me about the droid,” he requested of her.

The girl took a short breath. “He is BB-unit with a Selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator…” Kylo Ren interrupted her – this wasn’t the information he was looking for. “It’s carrying a section of a navigational chart.” He needed to look away from her face before he got lost in it, so he turned his head and let his eyes wander across the wall. “And we have the rest, recovered from the archive of the Empire.” His eyes got forced back to her face, he couldn’t look away for too long. “But we need the last piece. And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you. You. A scavenger.”

At his words, the girl’s eyes shifted. Repulsion grew in them. It made Kylo uneasy. She seemed to dislike his comment, but he had been strangely impressed. He wanted to know, how she had achieved everything. How had she achieved to connect to a droid, so it would show her this highly guarded secret? How had she found her way into this mess? Who was she?

If looks could kill or hurt people, then he would certainly be physically wounded by the look in the girl’s eyes as she stared at him. It continued to unsettle him. Kylo had managed to break everyone else, who sat in this chair. No one was able to resist him, once they were captured and put in it. Everyone else had given him what he wanted. There were only a few people who were able to resist him. This girl shouldn’t be one of them, and yet she was. She seemed to be as powerful as him – maybe even stronger than him.

Kylo needed to get control over this situation. He had lost enough time. So, he told her, what he would do, if she wouldn’t give him what he wanted. “You know, I can take whatever I want.” Kylo wasn’t sure if his sentence had been a statement or a question. Was he threatening her, as he should be? Or was he trying to show her, that he was strong, trying to impress her, making sure, that she didn’t think of his as someone weak? Or was it a question to himself? Was he asking himself, if he knew, that he could take everything he wanted?

Falling back onto familiar terrain, Kylo decided to use his force abilities to get the information, that would lead him to Luke Skywalker. The girl somehow recognized, what would follow, as Kylo held his hand near her head. Tears were pooling in her eyes, even if he could sense her defiant stance.

It took Kylo much more strength than usual to press into her mind. What he felt in there, resonated deeply in him – it took him a moment to sort out, what were her feelings and what were his. “You’re so lonely. So afraid to leave.”

Heaving breaths were leaving the girl’s mouth, as Kylo pressured forwards.

“At night desperate to sleep, you imagine an ocean – I see it – I see the island.” He was so close to her. His eyes caressing the skin only an inch away from him. It was almost hypnotic.

“And Han Solo.” He wasn’t successful in keeping his emotions out of his voice.

“You feel like he is the father you never had.” Her desperate longing was almost palpable. She couldn’t have known his father more than a few days, Kylo imagined – and somehow, she had formed a deep attachment to the man.

“He would have disappointed you.” He couldn’t refrain himself to tell her the truth about this man – he would have betrayed her as Han had betrayed him. Han would have left her as he had left him. She would have been alone again like Kylo had been alone.

“Get out of my head,” Rey suddenly ordered him. That was unusual, normally the people in the chair were unable to respond in words or full sentences. Kylo would need more strength to get his information. He forced himself upright and stood in front of her. Her defying eyes now locked onto his.

“I know you have seen the map,” Kylo felt her resistance growing. He needed to see the map. It was in the girl’s head. He needed to find it now.

“It’s in there.” His power over her was slipping. Something was happening between them.

“And now you’ll give it to me.” As he said these words, he felt how untrue they were. But he wouldn’t allow it. Snoke wouldn’t allow him to fail.

The girl leaned forward. She came towards him, pressured into their connection, pressed against him and his mind. Her exertion was clearly observable. It was as if they fought. And she gained the upper hand more and more. Something opened between them, inside both of them.

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it, too.” There was some common ground between them. Kylo tried to use it to his advantage. He felt the girl’s feelings as his own. He felt deeply hidden emotions. It shouldn’t take long to find the map in her mind, even as he felt a strange presence inside him, too.

“I’m not giving you anything.” The girl was still resisting him. Not letting him move through her mind freely.

Their connection deepened. Kylo thought, that he was winning this challenge. “We’ll see,” he told her. It shouldn’t take long now, as they opened up more and more, as he tried to push deeper and deeper, as he felt her thoughts inside him, as he felt her feelings as his.

But there was some obstacle, he couldn’t overcome. A final barrier, that held strong against his strength. A wall he couldn’t climb.

And suddenly he had to defend himself, too. What he had felt inside his own mind, what he had thought were a result of him pressuring into hers, began to move against him. Their connection seemed to try to reverse. The girl seemed to try to use his tactics against him.

Her head leaned closer to his hand, as if she wasn’t threatened by them, but was using them as if she was the one threatening him. His arm began to tremble, his strength was rapidly vanishing. Kylo was losing the bit of control he had painfully gained in this confrontation.

Suddenly he was the one being interrogated. His mind was the one being pushed in. His outstretched arm wasn’t attacking her but defending him from the girl.

“You…” The girl began with a frown on her face, as her mind wandered through his. Kylo couldn’t take his eyes from her. He was somehow bound, unable to move, to run away. “You’re afraid.”

Now they were his feelings, that were sprawled open, his thoughts that were being read, his fears being brought out to the light. “That you’ll be never as strong as Darth Vader.”

It took all of his strength to break their connection, all of his might to take his arm away, to force her out. Neither of them knew what happened. Their eyes bound to each other’s, staring, thinking. Kylo had no other choice than to ran away, leave the chamber, leave the girl behind.

It had been a long time since he had been defeated. It had been a long time since someone had been stronger than him. Only two people could say that from themselves: Luke and Snoke. And now there was a third one: A scavenger, a young girl.

* * *

The second time he looked up to her, was right after he had killed – murdered – his father. Kylo had investigated the alarm in the reactor chamber. As he searched for the girl and other intruders, his father suddenly had shown up. Kylo had planned to get a better vision from the bridge crossing over the empty space. As he had heard the steps behind him.

“Ben,” his father had yelled. This long lost name, that always evoked a strange, uncanny feeling inside him, that he would rather avoid. The yell echoed inside the big structure and Kylo stopped. The stormtroopers that were investigating the alleys on the wall were lining up their blasters on his father. It was so silent Ben could even hear the low growl from Chewie who was somewhere inside here.

Kylo turned around to face his father. “Han Solo.” Before his father could react to his words, Kylo continued. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.” In the following silence, his father took slow steps towards him. A full mix of emotions was swirling around him, but he wasn’t taking his blaster, nor being otherwise aggressive, so Kylo decided to wait, as his father got closer and closer.

A door somewhere above Kylo hissingly opened and he felt the force presence of the girl getting stronger. She must have entered the grand chamber – and she was accompanied by someone else, but before he could focus on that, Kylo’s concentration got pulled back to his approaching father.

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it,” His father told him. It would be the second time today, Kylo would remove his mask in front of other people, who didn’t usually see him without it. But since his father had yelled his name, Kylo had entered unfamiliar territory. He had to play it by ear.

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?” Kylo was truly interested in his father’s answer. What did the man expect to see? A young boy? A monster? Something totally different? He got an answer, he wasn’t really expecting.

“The face of my son.” Kylo couldn’t discern the emotion in his father’s eyes. He seemed to be angry, but not at him – at least not directly. The anger had been provoked by his words – or something in them – but was born out of something else, there was defiance in it.

Kylo saw no reason to keep his mask on. If Han Solo wanted to see his face, he would show it to him. Kylo wanted to see his reaction. Would his father show some hidden emotion? Some secret plan? Reveal the thoughts he had always hidden from him? Again, he pulled his mask off and looked directly at his father. Kylo could see the sharp intake of air, Han Solo took as he saw his face. He could see his eyes widen. He could sense some emotion more strongly. Grief. Wonder. Longing. Love?

Around the room, the atmosphere changed. At the edge of his senses, Kylo felt the Wookie’s emotions, the frowning of the girl and her companion. Chewie was more complicated to understand, but it seemed to be hope, that was the most prevalent. The girl seemed to be mostly frustrated. And the being seemed to try to comprehend what he was seeing.

But the most important person right now was still several steps away from Kylo. “Your son is gone,” he told his father. “He was weak and foolish like his father.” Or at least, that was what Kylo wanted to believe. There was no Ben Solo anymore. Ben Solo disappeared, had been cast out – several times. Only Kylo Ren remained. “So, I destroyed him.” He had finally gotten control, power over himself, over his legacy, his future. That was what Kylo truly wanted, what he was searching for.

His father moved closer to him. “That’s what Snoke wants you to believe,” Han told him, but that was where his father was wrong. Not Snoke wanted him to believe that. Kylo himself wanted to believe it. “But it’s not true. My son is alive,” his father continued and Kylo could sense, he could feel, that his father’s whole being believed the truth of this statement. All of his father’s soul and will were poured into this short, but powerful statement.

“No,” with this small word Kylo tried to oppose his father’s, tried to take his confidence away from him. Kylo wanted his father to see the monster he had become. “The Supreme Leader is wise.” Nothing could trump the Supreme Leader, even his father – even Han Solo – had to acknowledge that. Even the famous smuggler and resistance general had to admit his powerlessness in the face of the Supreme Leader.

But Han Solo apparently was more stupid or braver or stubborn, than Kylo had expected. “Snoke is using you for your power,” his father claimed, “When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you.” They were only inches away from each other. It had been more than half a life ago, since the two of them had been this close. Kylo almost had to take a step back. His heart was reaching out to his father, his mind was longing for happier times and at the same time, Snoke’s voice in his head told him, that he knew what he had to do. “You know it’s true.” His father’s words were a wish, a promise, a statement of truth. They were hopeful. They called to Ben’s trait of being able to see through the people around him and find their true intentions.

Somewhere deep inside Kylo, something responded to his father, connected to him. It broke him open on the inside. The struggle, that Kylo tried to control day and day, hour for hour, grew and grew, but if Kylo knew one thing, then it was, that the path he had locked onto, was a dead-end and a one-way street. “It’s too late,” he told his father. Han had to see that. Maybe he would turn around, leave him again. Maybe he wouldn’t have to kill his father. Han Solo could find another way out of this situation.

“No, it’s not.”

Kylo didn’t know why he had expected his father to back down. Everyone in his family was so damn stubborn, beyond any reason or self-preservation. Of course, his father would go further, wouldn’t let him go. His father never had done the thing Kylo wanted him to do. He had left, when Kylo wanted him to stay and now he remained when Kylo wanted him gone.

“Leave here with me. Come home.”

Home – the pain this word was causing inside Kylo, the wound it was opening, was stronger than almost anything he had experienced before. Kylo couldn’t prevent a first tear forming in his eye, couldn’t stop his heart from bleeding.

“We miss you.”

We – Han said. We. As in your mother and I. Your family. Your parents. We miss you, he said. As if they hadn’t sent him away. As if Kylo – Ben – hadn’t missed them for years. For a long time, Ben – Kylo – had longed to hear these words out of his father’s words, but now it was too late. Now, these words were only hurting him.

Kylo needed time before he could speak again. He tried to stabilize his words, hide his emotions, tried to be strong, but he failed. “I’m being torn apart.” His voice trembled. His father hadn’t expected this. Or he wasn’t understanding him. Or maybe his father had had hope against any reason and now tried to grasp, that he had been right, his son was still alive. Ben – Kylo – wasn’t sure, so he continued.

“I want to be free of this pain.” That was one of the things he desperately wished for: All this pain gone. The pain his father and mother had caused him. The pain his uncle had caused him. The pain he himself was causing him. The pain Snoke was inflicting on him.

“I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” It was true, the statement. He knew what he had to. He knew what his father wanted Ben to do. Leave with him. He knew what Snoke wanted Kylo to do. Kill his father. But he didn’t know if he had to strength to do either of those things.

“Will you help me?” Kylo didn’t know, why he asked his father this question. He didn’t know what he would do. What would his father do? Would his father help him – even now, when his son was so – too? – far gone? How would his father help him?

“Yes. Anything.” If this answer from his father would have come fifteen years ago, Kylo Ren maybe wouldn’t stand on a planet designed to destroy whole systems. Maybe he would never have killed so many people. Maybe he would never have lost everything.

Kylo dropped his helmet. He still didn’t know how this situation would end, but his helmet felt like it weighed several tons – he needed to let it go. He reached for his saber. This unfinished, raw weapon that held a ruptured, unstable kyber crystal and barely was able to somewhat stabilize the sizzling and burning red blade.

He held it out towards his father. There was still a notion of unbelief in Han’s eyes and the darkness in Kylo Ren responded to it, latched onto it. Why would Han still not believe, that Kylo had done, what his father had asked of him? Had Han lied to him? Had it been untrue, when Han had said, that he believed his son was still alive and it wasn’t too late? Snoke’s voice was still echoing inside Kylo’s head. Telling him to kill his father to end his pain, to master the dark side fully. Move beyond his past. Kill his past.

As both father and son held the red cross-guard saber in their hands, the sun vanished from the sky. Darkness filling every corner and only red light illuminating their surroundings. A silent conversation seemed to happen between Han Solo and Kylo Ren, but neither seemed to understand it. Their grasp on the saber got stronger and a force seemed to pull at it, turned it. Everyone waited.

Suddenly all resistance was lost, the saber continued to turn, silence was almost obsessively pressing down on everyone, and with an exhalation, Kylo’s upper body seemed to lean forward by itself, a red blade erupting from the saber, cutting through the air and then flesh, muscle, organs, and blood, emerging from Han’s back, whose eyes abruptly widened as he felt the lightsaber inside him.

Chewie’s scream was drowning out everything else, followed by the girls “No!”

Connected by the lightsaber, Han and Kylo stared into each other’s eyes. Every bit of hope and longing lost from the younger ones, while pain and acceptance were filling Han’s. “Thank you,” were Kylo’s last words to his father. He pulled the weapon out of his father’s body.

Han’s physical pain was replaced by his emotional, as he saw his son tumbling down further into the darkness, trying to reach out for the last time to him, instilling him with his the everlasting love Han had as his father, he caressed the face of his son before he fell down from the bridge.

No one was moving, as the pain of this death was pulsing through the force, reaching Leia who felt her husband's end, for a short time mother and son were connected by the loss of the third person, that made their small family until Chewie regained his ability to act. Overcome by the loss of his best friend, someone he considered family, at the hands of another family member, a person he had always treated as his nephew, he pointed his bowcaster at Kylo Ren and fired.

A shot like this normally would never have reached or hurt him, but distracted as he was, his armor barely absorbed any power of the blast and the impact let Kylo fell to one knee as the pain of the wound dominated his body. As shots were fired around him and the walls and columns exploded, Kylo’s gaze pulled itself upwards to the small door at the top of the structure. There stood the girl and next to her the traitor. Kneeling on one knee, they stared at each other for a few moments, before Kylo stood up and the other two fled from the room.

* * *

The third time was shortly after when he confronted the girl and the traitor in the woods on Starkiller Base. Still wounded by the Chewbacca’s blaster, he knew he had to end the ensuing fighter rather fast. Also, Kylo had enough – killing his father had taken a toll on him and he wanted to finally get it all over with it.

When he had flung the girl into the tree, when she wanted to shoot him, he had learned her name at last. Rey. The traitor had screamed it. Slowly the mystery around her was beginning to unveil itself. Starting with her name, he would learn everything else about her.

After checking if the girl, Rey, was still alive – which to be honest was totally unnecessary, Kylo never wanted to kill her, he needed her, he had use for her – the traitor dared to try to use the lightsaber, that had belonged to his grandfather and uncle against him.

As a former stormtrooper, the traitor had some combat training and Kylo’s wound weakened him, but in the end, the other man was no difficult enemy for him, when Kylo decided to really fight against him. After the traitor was defeated – not killed, somewhat in Kylo decided against that –, he wanted to call the blue saber to him, but it betrayed him and obeyed the girl, Rey, instead.

Rey proved to be a stronger enemy than Finn. Somehow, she countered his moves, and Kylo’s strength was fading more and more. But he refrained from simply trying to kill her in the fight, he wanted something else from her. He wanted her to be his student. He wanted to teach her. To show her the way of the force.

This was his mistake. Similar to the interrogation room, Rey suddenly knew how to wield the force and used it against him, as if she was reminded of this thing in her and then decided to use it. Her attacks got stronger and stronger. One of her hits severed his cloak and again he was on the ground in front of her.

In the interrogation room, it had been his decision to lower himself in front of her. In the reactor chamber, it had been the consequence of her being on a higher level and Chewie’s bowcaster forcing him on one knee. Now it had been her doing, that caused him to kneel in front of Rey.

From there on, she dominated the fight, scarred his face, and maybe would have killed him, if the planet disintegrating hadn’t divided them.

* * *

The fourth time he had kneeled while in Rey’s presence had been in Snoke’s throne room. So much had happened in between their fight and now. He was being torn apart by his father’s death. He had a falling out with Snoke. He had destroyed his helmet. He had almost killed his mother but wasn’t able to do it. He had found a connection with Rey. They had talked several times. They had insulted each other. He had opened up to her. He had comforted her! She had let him comfort her! They had **touched hands!**

And then she had arrived at the _Supremacy._ Rey had said that she had a vision of him turning from the dark to the light. But he had seen the opposite. He had seen how she joined him. He had seen the truth about her parents.

She thought they would fight together against Snoke and the First Order, but he couldn’t do it. There were stormtroopers everywhere. Hux was maybe observing him. Snoke was always lingering in his mind. So he had led her into the elevator leading to Snoke. They had talked and there had been a weird tension between them. Since their hand-holding, their hand-touching the energy between them had changed. Something was blooming there.

And now he kneeled in front of Snoke and Rey, while the Supreme Leader was torturing her. She was so strong and brave in the face of pure evil, that was Snoke. And she had told the Supreme Leader that he was underestimating Ben Solo. She had defended him – she had defended Ben – against Snoke. Ben – Kylo – could barely tear his eyes away from Rey, as she argued with and fought against Snoke.

Snoke claimed he had created their bond. Was he speaking the truth? What did it mean if he was? What did it mean if he wasn’t? As Snoke was distracted by Rey, Kylo’s thoughts ran through his mind, back and forth, trying to formulate a plan, trying to decide on his next steps.

When Snoke had Rey suspended in the air above Kylo, trying to breach her mind, the young man’s eyes were locked onto Rey’s body, knowing the pain she felt at Snoke’s hands, because he had felt the same, again and again, and again. He needed to avert his eyes, it was painful to imagine her going through the same thing. When Snoke let Rey fell to the ground, she was laying right in front of him. Determinacy filled Kylo’s mind.

Kylo felt Rey reach out with the force to pull the blue lightsaber laying beside Snoke towards her. He knew what would follow, he felt it flying around her, leaning his head away from its trajectory to used of being hit like that by objects, as Rey experienced the same thing, when the saber hit her in the head and then flew back to Snoke’s side.

What Kylo didn’t expect, was Rey calling his saber to her. Again and again, she was surprising him. She had no qualms of wielding a red saber. Wasn’t constrained by the old prejudices the Jedi had. Holding his saber, she looked more beautiful than ever. Defying everything that was trying to stop her. Using every advantage to which she had access. Rey had shown him many sides and he was more and more mesmerized by her. Maybe she would really join him, but for that, she had to survive Snoke, who had promised Rey to kill her.

And again, she was flung through the air by Snoke. Rey lost her grasp on his lightsaber and it skidded across the floor right to where Kylo was still kneeling. His plan slowly took form. He knew what he wanted: Rey to join him. He had several things to achieve this goal: his knowledge of Snoke, his force ability, his lightsaber in front of him, and neither Rey nor Snoke knowing anything of his plan.

Snoke forced Rey to her knees, even if she was hovering an inch above the floor. Now they kneeled in front of each other. Each unwillingly submitting to a higher force. This would end now. Ben would end it all. No more son of something, no more heir of another thing. He stood up and stepped in front of her.

He locked eyes with Rey. He saw her anger. He saw her defiance. He knew what she hoped for, she had told him. He knew what she feared, she had told him that as well. He knew he had objected her in the elevator. He knew she had no idea of his plan.

He saw the moment when Rey believed that he would kill her. He saw the disappointment in her eyes. He saw, them screaming at him. He felt them piercing through, trying to reach him, even if he already was on her side. He wouldn’t kill her. He wasn’t raising his weapon against her.

Ben – Kylo – tried to find a way to reassure her, taking her fear away from her. “I know what I have to do,” he promised Rey. But she didn’t understand, she was still trying to convince him. Her softly whispered “Ben” made Snoke laugh, while Ben desperately trying to respond to her with his eyes. He needed to have his mind locked, because of Snoke, but his eyes always told the truth. He knew that. It was one of his weaknesses, but now he tried to use it.

Focusing totally on Rey also helped in fooling Snoke. Focusing on Rey, let the Supreme Leader believe, that she was his target. Turning his own lightsaber against her caused a single tear to roll out of her eyes. They were locked onto his, and couldn’t see the movement of his hand, with which he turned the blue saber next to Snoke.

He ignited the saber to kill his former mentor. And Rey fell to the ground, thereby able to see Snoke’s upper body falling to the ground. Ben pulled the saber from his now dead body towards him and Rey grasped it – now she looked at him, now she saw him, saw what he did, what he did for her, for himself, for them. At this moment they became one. One pair knowing each other intimately. One pair having survived a too high amount of pain and obstacles. One pair now fighting side at side.

* * *

The fifth time Kylo kneeled in front of Rey, he truly kneeled and it was truly in front of her. It wasn’t sitting down, lowering himself while she was in an interrogation chair. It wasn’t because someone else or she had wounded him, and he couldn’t stay upright. It wasn’t because he was in Snoke’s presence and the now-dead Supreme Leader would expect him to kneel. No, this time he was just Kylo Ren, a knight of Ren – in fact, their master even –, currently acting as the Supreme Leader, formerly called Ben Solo, now a man who had lost almost everything, who was responsible for his father’s death, partially for his uncle’s and almost for his mother’s.

And he was kneeling in front of Rey, the last Jedi, with whom he was bonded in the force, who was at least equal in power to him. He had already been kneeling, when the force connected them again because the only thing the Resistance had left behind was a pair of dices, that had belonged to his father – a message probably from his mother or his uncle.

But Ben had felt the force connecting them and he remained in his position. It was less a conscious decision and more an instinctive staying in it. The last time they had seen each other, they had fought together, saved each other, they argued and then fought over the Skywalker-lightsaber. They hadn’t parted on good terms, the opposite was truer.

But Rey had woken up first in the throne room and had just left without harming, hurting, or somehow else weakening him. And Ben still felt their connection. He had been angry after he had woken up. He had been angry when they had descended onto Crait. He had been angry when he had confronted Luke. But that fight and that conversation with his uncle had cost him strength and slowly his anger had been fading.

Ben had entered the with the determinacy of destroying the Resistance, but that feeling was also fading when he saw the dices on the ground. Why had they been left there? What did they mean?

When the connection between them fully opened, Rey was standing a little bit elevated, which emphasized Ben’s position. They held each other’s gaze for several moments. Unspoken words traveling between them. Neither knew what the future would look like, both were regretting past decisions, but also remembering the feeling of fighting together, standing side at side. Ben hoped Rey would gift him a few parting words, something to fill the emptiness inside him, that was constantly growing since he had asked her to join him.

Fighting with her had felt right. Asking her to stay with him, seemed like the right decision. Continuing their life together was what he had wanted, but Rey hadn’t taken his hand. And all his fears, all his anxiety, everything dark had rushed back into the void she had left. Somewhere Ben had made a mistake. Being separated from Rey wasn’t where he should be, his heart reached out to her. But what should he do, when Rey didn’t want to join him? What option was left for Ben?

Rey seemed to activate some button, and their force bond closed again. Now Ben was truly alone. He tried to hold onto the dices in his hand, the last remnant left. But they also faded, and he was left with nothing. Dropping his head, he had never felt more alone. For the first time, he was alone in his head – no more Snoke. But that had come at a great price. The price of his father, his uncle, and also at the price of losing Chewie – would he ever forgive Ben for killing his best friend –, of losing his mother – would he ever find his way back to her after almost killing her and murdering his father, her husband – and of losing Rey, the girl that had come to him, the girl who had trusted him, the girl who made everything feel right, even if Ben didn’t know where she was leading him. He had to find his way back to her.

* * *

The sixth time was three weeks after Crait. The first week Ben had spent agonizing about the fact, that he knew what he wanted to do, but thinking he shouldn’t do it. The second week he used to plan his departure from the First Order without being followed and/or killed by them. It took him the whole third week to find the planet the Resistance was hiding on. Following rumors and their bond made it relatively easy to pinpoint the location of their new base.

Even though the force wasn’t connecting them and they weren’t able to speak, which would have made things much easier for Ben, he could feel Rey on the other side of the bond and he was certain, that she could feel him, too. However Ben didn’t know if she felt him searching for her if she knew he meant her no harm if she knew, that he had no secret plan – in fact, Ben had given up on any plan that went beyond finding Rey.

He had spent his whole life being sent away, being unwanted, being left alone and the one time someone actively searched him out because they believed in him and the good inside him, because they wanted Ben Solo, and not the son of Leia Organa, the grandson of Darth Vader, the nephew of Luke Skywalker, he had fucked it up. Ben hoped that he had a final chance of getting it right, a final chance of turning a new page, finding a new path.

This time he wouldn’t ask her to join him but kneel in front of her and asking if he could join her.

As he got close to Ajan Kloss, Ben broadcast a distress signal and then jammed his communication systems, so he was unable to receive any incoming messages. Then he deactivated every weapon system, so his ship would appear non-threatening and he hoped he wouldn’t be shot. He had to trust the force, that it would show Rey – and maybe his mother – that he wasn’t dangerous.

Like during his attack on the _Raddus_ before Crait, before the force bonds, he felt Leia’s presence in the force, and he guessed it wouldn’t take long until she felt him. He was wondering, what she was thinking about him. Did she worry? Who did she worry about more? Would she miss him? Did she hate him for what he did to Han?

As he landed, Ben could only see a few people, and many more blasters trained on his ship. Everyone was hiding behind crates and other stuff. At least it seemed like they weren’t attacking him on sight. But that could change as he stepped out of his TIE. He had chosen one of the older models, where one could disable the tracking device rather simple and that wouldn’t garner as much attention as his TIE Silencer.

But the TIEs were most commonly associated with the First Order, so he understood, the wariness of the Resistance. They had obviously fared rather well in the weeks after Crait and had gotten additional resources and recruits.

After the ship had powered down, Ben cautiously opened the hatch of the ship and climbed out of it. He could hear and sense the reaction wandering through the Resistance, but he especially looked out for the one of his mother, of Chewie and Rey. He didn’t know, what he would do if there was only hate, but he had come so far and had no other place to go.

Ben was relieved when anger was only a small part of what he felt and it was almost only Rey who felt it – together with confusion, grief, and some others. His mother seemed to be hopeful and sad. Chewie was the most complicated to understand – as always – but beneath the grief, there seemed to be hope, too.

As he reached the ground and turned around, he knew others of the Resistance were recognizing him, too. The traitor had seen him without a mask and knew who he was and a man, hiding next to his mother also seemed to realize his identity.

He was the one who spoke first and yelled, “Not one step further Kylo Ren, or we shot.” Ben immediately obeyed and took the time to further observe his surroundings. Ajan Kloss seemed to be very green, but stuffier and junglier than Takodana was. Underneath the trees were the tents and smaller buildings, the Resistance was using as a base, but their ships, which were spread out in the whole location seemed to function as living quarters.

Ben was glad he only wore a light black sweater and had refrained from dressing in tight black pants and opted for fluffier ones. He hadn’t used his gloves, since he knew he wanted to find his way back to Rey – they just didn’t seem right anymore, much like his mask. He had landed in a small space almost right in the center of what he had been able to recognize as the Resistance’s base. The crates, tents, and smaller machines seemed to form almost a semi-circle around him and were perfect for Resistance to keep him in check.

Again, his gaze wandered from left to right. If his senses were good, then Rey was to his right, hiding behind some radar machine. Ben decided to gamble on his intuition and slightly turned to where he was expecting her to be. Then he got down on his left knee and spoke in her direction. “I mean no harm to any of you. This is not a trap, and no one is following me.”

Ben still focused on the machine, where he now was sure, Rey was hiding behind. His lightsaber hung on his belt on the left side on his body, so as his hand reached for it, most of the Resistance could see the movement and before he could take it, the traitor stood up from the crate next to the radar machine and pointed his blaster straight at Ben’s head. “Don’t you dare touch that saber.”

The man who had told Ben to stop moving, now stood up, too and Ben recognized the pilot, who he had interrogated after Jakku and who had fled together with the traitor. “Don’t Finn. Don’t you remember Jakku, you won’t be able to hit him.”

A small woman stepped next to Finn. She fiercely confronted Ben’s gaze and showed no ounce of fear. “But will he be able to stop two blasters shooting at him?” Since the traitor had pointed his blaster at him, Ben hadn’t dared to move and he slowly was getting frustrated, that the situation was escalating.

The pilot seemed to feel the same way. “Rose, stop it. What about we win by saving what we love, not by killing what we hate?” The small woman – apparently called Rose – seemed to think about the pilot’s words but wasn’t taking her weapon down.

Finally, Ben heard the voice he had missed for the last weeks. “He would still win against the two of you.” Ben’s eyes immediately shot to the owner of the voice, who now came around the radar machine, she had hidden behind. Unable to say her name out loud, Ben’s mouth simply formed the word. “Rey”

For a few moments, she was just holding his gaze in hers, repeating their moment on Crait. “What are you doing here, Ben – Kylo?” she asked him. Ben didn’t know how to answer her at first. His plan had always been to first find her and then ask her to let him join her. But he never planned what words he would use exactly. And now Ben was afraid of saying the wrong things. It wouldn’t be the first time he made that mistake. He opened his mouth a few times, but no sound came out.

Until a fifth voice added itself to the small group. A voice Ben hadn’t heard in years, almost decades. A voice that caused tears to pool in his eyes, that were still locked onto Rey’s, who suddenly showed some form of understanding at his reaction to hearing his mother again. “Ben, you’re here.”

Painfully slow, Ben turned his head to his mother. He was afraid of seeing her again. When his eyes settled onto her figure, he swallowed hard. She looked so much older, than he was remembering her – his father had been the same. Had she become smaller? Thinner? She looked lost and he saw the same tears in her eyes, that were in his. But he found no disgust, no hate in her. “Mom,” Ben whispered. Leia’s hand shot in front of her mouth as a single sob escaped her. “You’re really here.” Ben nodded.

“He still has his saber,” Finn interrupted the small moment. Leia took one, two, then three steps towards her son. “Sorry,” she said, but Ben knew, that they were in a complicated situation and he knew, that they needed to reduce the risk he presented to the resistance. “It’s okay. I understand, mom.” Again, he reached for his saber, and blasters were realigned to aim at his head. But before Leia could take another step, it was Rey who stopped her.

“Leia, please let me take it.” Rey stretched one arm out to stop the general, who frowned. “I trust him, Rey. He won’t hurt me.” A guilty expression formed on the Jedi's face as she looked back and forth between Ben and his mother. Then she shook her head. “I can allow that Leia.” Rey forced her eyes onto Ben. “It’s the same way he killed Han, giving him his saber and then igniting it.”

Now Leia looked at Ben, too. “Is that true?” The pain in her voice, in her eyes, in her whole physique was so palpable, that Ben couldn’t keep looking at his mother and stared onto the ground. “Yes,” he said quietly. Ben refortified himself. “But I’m not here to kill anyone, Rey. Look into my mind and you’ll see the truth.”

“You could fool me like you fooled Snoke before you killed him.” A gasp went through the Resistance and his mother looked confused back and forth between Rey and him. Apparently, Rey had never corrected the lie he and the First Order had told about Snoke’s death. Ben couldn’t argue against Rey’s logic, even if he believed, that the force bond would prevent him from being able to lie in the same way. “Then what do you propose,” Ben asked her.

“Slowly reach for your saber, hold it in your open hand, then roll it across the floor to me,” Rey ordered. Ben did as she told. A few extremely tense moments passed until Rey picked his saber up. It was a strange sight to see it in her hands again. As soon as Rey had it, Leia hurried to her son and pulled him against her.

Ben was still kneeling on his right knee and so his mother was almost two heads taller than him, which was perfect for her to embrace him. They held each other and softly exchanged apologize, while both were crying. The others didn’t know how to act and just waited until both were ready again. Several minutes passed until Leia let go of her only child again. She kissed his forehead and watched how the pilot and Rey approached him.

“My name is Poe Dameron. I am one of the leaders of the Resistance. We have met before on Jakku and when you interrogated me.” Ben nodded to show him, that he was remembering him, and Poe smiled gratified. “So, why are you here, Ren?” he asked. Ben’s eyes flickered to Rey. He was uncomfortable talking with Poe in front of everyone else and talking about why he had come to them.

“Ben, we have to know,” Rey softly reassured him. Ben focused on her again. She gave him strength and confidence. She wouldn’t judge him unfairly, she wouldn’t be disgusted. He had to trust her. “I…” Ben took a deep breath. “After Snoke and the guards, I thought I knew what path would be mine. I hoped you would join me. But obviously, I had it wrong. I had it all wrong. So, I had to make a decision. Stay with the First Order and do the things I am familiar with, but being constantly torn apart or leave and try to find you, where I don’t know what will come next, where I don’t know what the future holds, but be with the one person, who makes it feel like I am on the right path.”

A small smile formed on Rey’s face. Obviously, Ben had finally found the right words. Maybe he had found the right place to begin his future.

“What about the First Order?” Poe asked. Irritated Ben turned back to him. “The First Order is still there. Hux will probably ascend to Supreme Leader. He has control over their army and the most power. I was only able to overpower him because I used the Force, but no troops are loyal to me, I’ve never learned how to lead the First Order and from the beginning always had other goals and missions than the organization. I was never really part of them.”

Poe didn’t seem to be happy with Ben’s answer. “Can you give us intel, that will help us defeat them?” Ben simply nodded. He expected that they would ask that. What he didn’t know was, if he would be actively fighting at Rey’s side against the First Order or if they would imprison him. Hopefully, they wouldn’t separate him from Rey and – even more importantly – hopefully, Rey would accept him at her side. Ben had no Plan B would she send him away.

But Rey dispersed his fears and doubts when she stepped right in front of him and took his hand pulled him upright. “I really want to trust you, Ben,” she said. “Please, don’t prove me wrong. Come On, we have to hold council on what to do next.” Then she turned around and Ben followed her.

* * *

The seventh time Ben kneeled in front of Rey was three months after the end of the war. Because of his intel and the growing support for the Resistance, it had taken them only 15 months to defeat the First Order. The first months had been difficult. Ben was confined to the base and constantly followed by guards. It took a long time until got used to him and longer until angry looks weren’t following him the whole day.

He used this time to give the Resistance as much information as he had, to reconcile with his mother and with Chewie, which had been easier, than Ben had feared. Rey and he had spent much time training and it hadn’t taken them long until they were at the point again, where they shared feelings with each other like in that fateful night on Ahch-to.

Finn and Rose, while being very wary of him, had seen his devotion to Rey and while it had taken them some time to accept it, they never judged either of them openly but respected, that the connection they had was unique and hard to understand. Funnily Poe hadn’t held a grudge against Ben, but quickly build a connection to him and they often discussed plans to defeat the First Order.

Ben never became the most loyal defender of the political goals of the Resistance, but deep down he knew that the First Order wasn’t doing ‘good things’, but with Snoke’s voice in his head, Ben had learned to dismiss them for the sake of the goals, they would achieve through them. Being free of Snoke’s influence, Ben began to be an avid defender of the opinion, that the ends never justified the means. It was the common ground, on which he and Rose build their connection.

Rey spent the most time with Ben. They sparred, learned, and trained together, talked, or simply existed in the same space. Their bond, their mutual understanding, their intimate knowledge, and acceptance of each other led to them growing closer and closer. Where others were unable to understand, how they were seeing the world or how they were responding in situations, they understood each other. With each other, they felt free, protected, and at home.

They had begun to hold hands while meditating and then touched each other more and more. The comfort they felt while feeling their bodies against each other resonated deeply inside them. It felt like a natural conclusion to go further, to kiss each other, to spend their nights together. Neither of them wanted to imagine a life without the other. They felt like two parts of the same souls – only truly happy when they were together.

Ben wanted to give him and Rey the security of making their connection official, of showing themselves and everyone, that they were together and would never be separated again. They had seen many planets during the war and some more on their travels after it, searching for someplace to stay for a while. His mother had suggested visiting Naboo because it was quiet, green, and peaceful. Rey and Ben had instantly fallen in love with the planet and deemed it perfect for them. As Ben had discovered his grandmother’s estate on Varykino, they decided to spend their time there for the foreseeable future.

They had agreed to take force-sensitive children in and train them, should they and their parents want it. The children could live with them or only come to visit or move together with their families to Naboo. Ben and Rey gave them the freedom to choose, what would suit them best.

But now it was still only the two of them and Ben thought, that there was no more perfect time than now to ask Rey his question. As they were standing on the balcony looking over the lake in front of them, he got on one knee next to her. Rey turned to him with a question in her eyes, but Ben took one of her hands into his own, he softly kissed her knuckles and let his love for her pour through their bond.

Then he looked up into her eyes. “I once asked you to join me. I have long since realized, that I had asked the wrong question. Now, I ask you to let me join you, Rey. Would you marry me and let me spend the rest of my life with you?”

Her immediate “Yes” was softly whispered into the space between them and loudly echoed through their bond.

**Author's Note:**

> As long as you aren't looking for smut, you can check out my other stories, too. I have a few different ones in canon and alternate universes. (I really have to write some smut into one of my stories at some point, but I haven't found one where I thought it would fit into the story. Kneeling is a topic, that would be perfect to write some cunnilingus, but it felt wrong to the atmosphere of this fic if I would simply have added some smut at the end.)


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